The Best Kept Secret of Warmachine: Performance Enhancers

Posted By jbarket on Sep 8, 2013

The 2013 con season is coming to a close. Fall Recruits is less than a week away, and it’s very likely to be the last real chance I have at qualifying for a Masters. I feel confident saying that I’ve improved significantly this year, but I’ve accepted that, without some outside help, I’ll still be one win outside of qualifying.

So, it’s time to bring out the big guns. If you’re like me, you’ve had your suspicions for a while. The same good players qualifying event after event. They’d like you to believe it’s because they spend time thinking about the game, learning with friends and pushing the boundaries of their play. But I’m here to tell you, your deepest, darkest suspicions are true. It’s like 2005 at the Tour de France in this place.

First, you’re going to need something to mix everything in. Halloween is coming up, so if you’re the creative type, one of those terrible, plastic cauldrons would be both effective and funny. I went for the simple cooler

Next, we need one of the essentials. This is the easiest ingredient to get a hold of, and one I highly recommend stockpiling. John Demaris’s Autograph. This one here is from Warmachine Weekend last year. It was hard to get in between all of the screaming young girls, but it was worth it. Rip it out and toss it in.

Then, we need an iOS or Android device that has succesfully paired with another copy of War Room. I’ve heard there’s bonus points for using a device that successfully completed a game in this mode, but ain’t nobody got time for that. Also it’s probably not possible. If it’s too large to fit in your mixing container, hit it with something heavy until it fits.

Now, we need to add the biggest dice you can get your hands on. If casino dice are the best you can do, I recommend stepping up your game. Toss them in.

Now, we’re going to really start getting into gear. You’re going to need to take some Everblight paraphernalia and rub it on Jake Van Meter. He’s a super nice dude, but remember: he’s from Detroit. They push dead bodies out of taxis. I recommend doing it when he isn’t looking. The more, the better:

A foot from a mannequin. I have no idea. My garage is full of weird things. Let’s just move along.

I know by now you have your doubts about the authenticity of some of these items. Trust me when I say, these are all real. But this one is the prize of the collection, and is essential to the effectiveness of this brew: Will Pagani’s hair. It was a long, complicated, unintentional process that ended with this in my possession. I’d recommend bribing Nik Preece to yank some out for you.

A purple shirt. I think you’re better off wearing this than trying to drink it, but do your own thing. Seriously, it’s a shirt, not a tent. I’m just a big dude.